Just A Shadow
by Dejichan4444
Summary: Describing the pain Shuichi goes through as he watches Yuki look at him, only to see Kitazawa instead. It's his anger of being secondbest, when he's trying his hardest to gain the heart of the man he so deeply loves. But he'll never give up, ever.
1. Chapter 1

Hey guys! What's up? I'm sick, tired and I'm in a very weird mood. I decided to post this... Dunno why... That evil plot bunny has been haunting my sleep... I wonder if anyone wrote about this before... Oh well! I think it's cool, and interesting in its own way...

I hope you guys like it. The thoughs might seem a bit mixed-up, but that's because it's in Shuichi's POV. And quite frankly, most people don't exactly think clearly when they're talking about an emotional topic, or at least Shuichi seems like one to act like that... Anyways, I hope I did a decent job. This may seem OOC, but if it does seem that way, it's because Shuichi is thinking out loud, and what people say and what people do are two entirely different things. Trust me, I'm one of those weird people...

Oh, this takes place when Shuichi comes to the slow realization that Yuki isn't seeing him anymore; he's seeing Kitazawa. This may portray Shuichi/Yuki relationship as a disaster, and one-sided, but remember that Shuichi was very confused and hurt at that time. So, don't worry! It's still Yuki/Shui forever, kay? Good! Oh, and even if you didn't read the manga, you can understand this.

NO FLAMES! FLAMES WILL BE DELETED AND IGNORED!

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation ;;

* * *

Just a Shadow (Shuichi's POV)

When you look into my eyes, Yuki, what do you see? Do you see me as a guy with violet eyes and a wide smile? Do you see me as a bubbly guy with pink-hair? Do you see a hyperactive brat who sings love about you non-stop? Do you see me as a person who is obsessed with you and your every detail? Do you see me as a person who loves you completely, without any doubt to the point of annoyance? Do you see me as a little whiny puppy dog that yearns for attention 24/7? Do you see me as a man who cherishes you and adores you endlessly? Do you see me as a man who gives everything just for your smile? Do you see someone who gives everything for nothing? Do you…?

**Do you notice me? Am I even really here? Or am I just an illusion to you, a stepping-stone to something else, or someone else entirely? Am I just a virus on your stupid laptop, or maybe something even below that…? Do you see me as any of those things I mentioned earlier? Do you…? **

No, you don't. You see something completely different. You see a man, a man with brown-blond hair. He has light brown eyes and a pure-evil smile with a tint of lust. He is your tutor from New York. He is Yuki Kitazawa. He is the one who wronged you. He is the only man you ever loved. He deceived you, sold you for ten American bucks… Ten fucking American dollars…! H-he didn't c-care. He didn't feel remorse or guilt after he hurt you! He enjoyed it, damnitt; he smiled like the madman he truly is, enjoying every moment of your suffering. And you killed him in blind rage, not hatred. He deserved to die, and he knew it. And I'm guessing he's laughing at you up in hell, laughing because you still love him, even after what he did. He's laughing because he doesn't care about you, but you'd do anything to see him again, to beg for HIS forgiveness. So you look at me to find him, don't you? Yes, you do…

**Do you know that you're breaking my heart into pieces, scattering on the floor, never to be replaced again, lost forever? Well? Ugh, never mind…He wronged you… He broke you, but you still come crawling back to him for the love he never gave you. And yet… **

You still love him. And every time you look at me, you look right past me, right at Yuki Kitazawa, to the man you really love. You see through me like a mirror, like I'm something in the way, blocking your view of a person who's more important. I'm just a distraction, something in the background that rarely catches your gaze. Am I that horrible? Am I that disgusting? What did I do, Yuki, what did I do? Please tell me! I love you so much. And I all I want in return is some attention and affection, some proof that I'm really here with you, and not just acting as Kitazawa's replacement. Don't love him because you feel guilty! He deserved to die! You can't love him because of what you did to him! He did something worse that what you did, and he knows it! He knew he had to die! He isn't upset! He's a monster! Monsters cannot feel upset! They don't CARE!

**Please, just look at ME once… Please…I'm not Kitazawa, Yuki! I'm Shuichi Shindou! SHUICHI SHINDOU! HELLO? YUKI! I care for you! That monster hates you, hates everyone! He always has! **

You love him, but I know he hates you, and I know you realize that as well. And I know he doesn't hate you because you killed him. He hates you just because he liked to. He had it coming. I know he wouldn't care if you died. I bet he'd be happy, rejoice with his fellow demons. I bet he'd laugh even more, and spread your pathetic tale throughout the depths of hell, wouldn't he? How can you love someone like that, someone who doesn't give a shit about you, about anyone? How, Yuki, how? Wait, this reminds me of someone…me… Ironic, eh? Well, there are some huge differences, aren't there? You never sold me, for one matter, but, on the other hand, you definitely broke my heart. And I don't have anyone else telling me that they love me. If someone did tell me that, I'd realize that I can't love someone who hates me. I wish that were you, and that you'd give up the ghost, and realize that there are other people who really care about you, like me. I know that, on the inside, you're a good person who's just confused. Maybe that's why I love you…even if you shatter my soul every single day. Somehow, it's worth it, even if all I get in return is a seat on the couch.

**He doesn't care; he hates you, but you love him with all your heart, and I stand here waiting for you to see me. Waiting and waiting, 'til the end of the world…I'll wait forever, until time ends and Kitazawa goes to heaven. Ha-ha… Like the latter would ever happen… **

Do you hate me, Yuki? Do you want me to 'drop dead' as you so frequently demand me to? Do you want me to disappear? Oh wait…you wouldn't want that, would you? If I left, Kitazawa would leave your as well, forever, and you don't want that, do you? As long as you can see me, you can see him. He's so special, so wonderful…! Even though he gave you away, broke your heart, gave you nightmares that will never leave you, he's wonderful. Why? HOW? What am I doing wrong? Do you hate me so much? Am I so horrible that a monster is better than ME? He doesn't deserve your forgiveness! Don't love him because you put him where he belonged! You did nothing wrong! Don't feel guilty!

**Don't hate me! What did I ever do to you? Love you? Cherish you? Kiss you? Hug you? Tell you how much I love you? Is it so horrible to love someone? Is that why you hate me? I can't find another reason. Am I annoying? I try not to be, and I'll change if you promise to see me, I swear. **

You always see me smile, but I'm really crying all the time, because I can't gain your love, no matter how desperately hard I try to. I hide under a mask, all for you, Yuki. I want you to be happy, so you won't feel even guiltier, because I know you have heart in there somewhere. But I want to be happy as well. I want to cry and tell you all these things, but I'm just a coward, and I already know the answers you'd give me. So I'll just suffer in silence, because you don't mind either way, right? You don't care, right? Right…?

**Do you even care at all? Do you care if I cry? Would you care if I died? No… You don't care, even if I'm shattering inside and out…You never cared…As long as you could see me, even at a grave, or as a corpse, you can see Kitazawa, and that's all you want. I'm such an idiot… **

When I smile at you, you only see Kitazawa smile brightly at you, and that is why you hide your smile. When I laugh, you hear Kitazawa's menacing laughter engulf the room. You know exactly what you're doing, don't you? You know that you're breaking my heart, shattering it into little tiny pieces. You know how much you're hurting me, but I still love you, because I know that you're a good person underneath your obsession of a dead man. At least you didn't "sell" me, because you obviously broke my heart, as he did to you.

**You know what you're doing. Why don't you stop torturing me? I hate it! I don't want to be a reminder of someone else; I want to be your lover! I don't want to suffer just to be next to you, and not even gain your love! But I do anyway... **

When I hug you or give you a peck on the cheek, don't tell me you feel ME doing that, because that would be a lie. You feel Kitazawa touching you, Kitazawa loving you and admiring you, forgiving you for things you should've never apologized for. You only hear, see and feel Kitazawa, not me, even though I love you so much, more than he has ever loved you. He hates you, from the bottom of his icy-heart, filled with the blue flames of hell. He doesn't care that you killed him, either, so stop pitying yourself!

**You see him where I take part in your life, where I kiss you, tell you everything is alright, say that I love you… You only see him… Only him…I'm not really here, am I? Kitazawa is, isn't he? I'm just a reminder of someone else. He's the one who really loves you, or so you believe, as I watch on painfully. **

I love you completely, I truly do. I am alive, not a corpse in the ground. I never ever hurt you, and I never will. I didn't sell you for ten bucks. I didn't deceive you and break your heart into a million pieces. I didn't make you cry. I didn't taint you for life for my own selfish purposes, for some money in the pocket. I didn't terrify you with my cruel, unforgivable actions and I didn't sell you to some random people on the street, dammit!

**I'd never hurt you, but you're hurting me… I would never "sell" you, because I love you. No one who loves you would do that! Why don't you understand that? Why am I invisible? Why do you always look past me, even though I really care? **

But you still love him more than me. Why, Yuki, why? What did I ever do to hurt you? How did I do something worse than he did? Is there anything worse than that? Am I worse than a rapist, Yuki, am I? What did I do that was so horrible, worse than having my way with you when you were only sixteen, like Kitazawa did? He deserved hisdeath...If I did anything, I'll surely make it up to you somehow, I promise. Please, just see ME for once! That's all I want in return for my love. That's all I ever wanted from you, because I know even that would be a miracle…

**Please, see ME, just this one time… Just for tonight… Please…I'd give anything for you to see ME for one night…I could die happy if you just smiled at ME once… I really could. I'd have no doubts, no hesitation, because your affection is all I ever desire. **

I know you'd easily tell Kitazawa how much you love him, whether it's from guilt or love, but you'd never tell me that. Why? What did he do that was so wonderful and deserved your compassion? What makes him so special? What, Yuki, what? This hurts, whenever you look at me, because I know exactly what you see. Don't tell me I know nothing, because I know a lot more than you'll ever find out. This hurts a lot, every single day I wake up in the morning. Sometimes I wonder why I don't just jump off a bridge, because what am I living for? A dream? An illusion? Second-place in your heart chart, as you would say? What a life that is… Don't you agree?

**I'll be second-place forever in the race to your heart, even though HE isn't even running at all, as I zoom down the track. He's walking backwards, but he always wins anyway. Why? How? **

What can I do to make you love me? What else can I do? I've tried everything, but you never even told me you LIKED me. Not once, not ever. And, seriously, I don't expect it any time soon. I give you my everything every single day, my heart, my soul, everything, and it's still not good enough. Should I just give up? No, I can't. I love you too much to give up, even though I'm fighting a losing battle. I know I won't win, trust me. I just try to convince myself otherwise, because it makes me feel better. And that's why I carry on, because of walls I make for myself, walls that block out the truth from my ears. I live in an illusion. Don't remind me, please.

**If I dyed my hair brown-blond, got light brown contacts and changed my voice, would you love me? Would you see me, notice me? Is that what it takes? I'll do it; I'll do anything for your love…Anything at all…Then again, you'll just see HIM again, not me. You'll look longingly at him... I can't escape him, can I? I can't win…Why? **

I gave you so much, and all I ask for is SOME kind of affection, some kind of proof that I'm really sleeping next to you at night. (If you haven't kicked me off the couch!) Remember when I got gang-raped by Aizawa and some thugs? Remember how I kept going, no matter how much it hurt? It was because of YOU, Yuki! I thought that, as long as you were okay, I could be okay as well.

**But I was wrong. It still hurts, and I still have nightmares. But I never dare to ask you for comfort, because it would hurt you as well, and I don't want that. I want you to be happy. And if the only way for you to be happy is for me to suffer, that's okay. Or at least, I pretend it is. **

Don't just walk away. You can't do that forever, you know. You have to answer me sooner or later. Why? Why do you love Kitazawa more than me, when I would do anything for you? Hell, I'd die for you if I had to! I'd do it without a second thought, if you'd love me, see ME, at least one time. Please… I'm right here, Yuki! Don't look over there, I'm over here! Don't just look past me! Hey! Yuki, come on, over here! It's me, not Kitazawa, who loves you! It's me, Shuichi Shindou!

**I'm waving my hands frantically. I want you to know that I'm there, not just a tree in the background of a faded photograph. Please, turn your head and look into my eyes and smile at ME. Please, don't walk away… Turn around… Please…? **

I'm fooling myself, I know. You don't love me. I'm just a shadow; just something you occasionally notice is there. Shadows don't deserve to live. They are nothing, nothing at all. When you look at me, you look at Kitazawa, the person who is "there", or the person whom you want to be "there", because you definitely don't want me around. Who could possibly love a shadow, after all?

**I wrestle with a dead man everyday for your heart… And the sad part is, he's not the shadow, even though he's the dead one. I am. You see him as the real person, and me just as a shadow…I'm just a shadow, after all. And shadows always look like the person they are forced to be reminder of. **

I wish you'd say you love me for once, but what am I kidding? I'm just a shadow, after all… And shadows don't deserve your words, do they? Obviously not, because I'm just a shadow of Kitazawa, nothing more. And you never tell me those three little words that you'd die to tell him, the one man who achieved you affection and threw it away without a second thought. Do yousee him instead of me because you wantto apologize thatbadly? You didn'tdo anything wrong! Damn,I wish I was a reflection, because then you would see me more often, notice me. But, as I've said many times, I'm just a shadow.

**Please, tell me you love ME. Say you don't love HIM; say you love me, please… I gave you everything, and please give me SOMETHING in return… Please…He threw your love away. He doesn't deserve it back! He doesn't even WANT it! Tell ME you love ME, please! **

You wanna know what? Shadows never really disappear. They can change. They can leave when there is darkness surrounding you, but they never really go away. They follow you forever, never really leaving your side, like a loyal dog and an abusive owner. But you never really notice that the shadow is right there, right HERE! You just continue walking, searching for that special something or someone, and the shadow dances, just to get your attention. But you keep on walking, keep on moving along, always looking for something better. I'm that shadow, never leaving you permanently, always by your side. And I'm right here. Can't you see me?

**I'm like that dog that followed and protected the murderer. I never leave for real, even when my owner, you, hurt me. I smile and dance to get you to notice me, and not just take my qualities, like hunting, or how I remind you of Kitazawa the man who haunts you. Sometimes, I run away, but I always come crawling back. Why do I crawl back? Because I keep telling myself that you'll love me someday. So, I might die trying, but I'll never give up. Ever. I want you to forget Kitazawa and realize that it isn't your fault. He hated you from the start. All he saw in you was a good bed buddy! **

I'm just a shadow, aren't I, Yuki? Yes, I'm just a shadow… Just a stupid, worthless shadow of a dead man; I'm nothing important at all. Yes, I know… I'm just a shadow… I've known that forever. And I'll keep fighting, because I love you, but you'll never return my affection because I'm…

_**Just a shadow…

* * *

**_

PLEASE REVIEW! I worked on this instead of working on my latest chapter for 'Returning Relations', because that evil plot bunny wouldn't leave me alone. -swats dead plot bunny- And I worked on it for about four hours, even though it may seem like I worked on it for one hour... Hey, I tried, okay?

Oh, btw, if you want this to continue and become a fic, just request it. Otherwise, I'm done. I have officially killed the plot bunny of DOOM! Thanks for reading!

_Oh, and your comments are greatly appreciated! Remember, PLEASE REVIEW!_


	2. Chapter 2

Hey guys! Dejichan here! Well, I decided to put a sort of "Epilouge" thing for this story. It won't make much sense if you haven't read the companion piece, "Just a Guilty Obsession", though. I love how this progressed. I sort of just went from one thing to another, without redoing anything, except the very end, and Yuki's motions. (I couldn't remember what he was doing, so I kept messing up.) Well, I hope you enjoy the FINAL part of "Just a Shadow", which is a lot shorter! Expect the next chapter of "Returning Relations" soon!

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation. -cries-

* * *

Just a Shadow Pt. 2

I open the door to my apartment. Wait, it's not exactly mine, is it? Home is where people love you and care for you. Home is where everyone belongs. Home is where you can be yourself. Home is where you can be happy. Home is where you are always welcome. THIS is not home. It doesn't fit under ANY of the necessary requirements.

For one thing, no one loves me here, except that Kumagoro doll in my room. But that's doesn't count, and you know it. I don't belong here, in Yuki's apartment. Yuki doesn't care about me; he only lets me stay because I'm a reminder of something he once had. I stay because it makes him happy, in a way, and that's all I can get from him. I can't be myself here. If I hug him and kiss him, he gets angry. THAT is me, the hyperactive kid, but I have to be quiet here. And I'm definitely not happy. Who could be happy when their whole world crashes down on them everyday? Lastly, I'm not welcome here ALL the time, only when Yuki isn't mad.

So…where do I belong? If no one cares about me here, what is this place considered? Yuki's apartment? I guess so. It can't be anything else, can it? That would be asking too much of Yuki. Still, I think I belong somewhere else, like maybe a dark hole filled with blood and dead people. I can't even please the person I care about the most, so I'm worthless, and I belong there.

I sigh silently. I don't want anyone to think I'm upset. That would just make them unhappy, though I don't understand why. So, I have to cover it up. I have to hide everything, because that's the way it is. I love it when I fall, because then I have an excuse to cry. No one knows what I'm really crying about, and I prefer it that way. WHY do I love Yuki? Why? I've searched for the answer for a long time, and I've come up with nothing. I guess my heart has something against me; it wants me to suffer by having me fall in love with certain people. That doesn't make me love Yuki any less though.

"I'm home!" I holler. I put on that fake smile that no one can see through. It's like a mask. Underneath it, there's a frown, but no one is going to find it anyway. I take a deep breath, and hope. I hope that maybe, just maybe, he answers me this time. I know that I'm just a shadow, but is a greeting too much to ask? Hmm?

Yeah, it is, I guess. Yuki doesn't even make recognition that he realizes I'm home. I bet he really doesn't know I'm here, or he doesn't care. I hang my head and slowly walk over to the couch. Maybe Ryuichi Sakuma is on TV. He's on it almost all the time, so there's a good chance.

I sit down on the couch and fumble with the remote until I get to the correct channel. Then I lower the volume so Yuki doesn't get angry at me. I look at the screen with little interest. There he is, Ryuichi Sakuma, my idol. He's singing a song, which I can't remember the name of. How is that possible? I always remember the names of Ryuichi's songs. This time, though, I don't believe I'm thinking properly. How can I, when I'm trying so hard to understand Yuki?

I admit it. Yuki is VERY confusing. What exactly does he want from me? Why does he love Kitazawa? Why can't he love me? Why is he always so cold? Why am I bothered by it? Why do I love him? I don't know, to tell you the truth. I don't know a lot of things, but these questions are some of those questions I'd die to know the answer to.

Die. I've thought about that a lot. Sometimes I wonder, if I died/committed suicide, would Yuki care then? I don't even know if he'd notice. He'd definitely be upset, but he'd scream, "Kitazawa! You died, AGAIN!" If I heard that before I died, I would die inside AND out. It makes my stomach churn. It seems so disgusting to think about.

I threw away the answer of dying almost immediately after I had thought of it. Then I thought, "How about I go a bit less extreme?" I would still be alive, but maybe some of the emotional pain would go away. Physically pain numbs the emotional pain, in a way. I'd gladly break every bone in my body if all the questions would stop haunting me, but there'd be a risk of dying if I did that. So I thought, cutting? Nah, it'd be too visible. I didn't want Yuki to know, because that would make him unhappy. The reason I'm doing this is to become numb, if only for a moment. I thought of other things, but I found no solution that would work for me.

Ah, I forgot that Ryuichi was still on TV. I can barely hear his voice anymore. It used to reach out to me all the time, because I had no worries. Now, sometimes I can't hear his breathtaking lyrics because I have so much to think about. I wish that I could just forget everything for a moment, and watch Ryuichi in awe again. I miss those days, when Yuki didn't overflow my mind with uncertainties.

I'm "zoned-out", so to speak. I decided to concentrate on Ryuichi's performance contently. Maybe, for a little while, I can go back to those times, when I was more than a shadow. I hear creaking; Yuki must be walking around. Is he getting a beer or something? I shrug it off and continue to watch TV.

"Uh, Shuichi…" Yuki sputters. I'm look at him, and he bites his lip. I'm surprised, but I don't show it. I'm too "lost" to understand anyhow. Yuki examines me for a moment, and then he looks super-nervous. I decide to answer him.

"Yeah?" I ask casually. I grab the remote and turn the TV off. He seems relieved. I wait for a moment. What could he be asking? Does he want me to leave? Will he tell me to "Drop dead" again? Or worse? I'm worried now, but I keep my calm composure somehow. Don't ask how, okay? I just do. Being worried and anxious, I want him to hurt up and tell me whatever he was going to say. I feel like screaming into his ear, but I resist the temptation. "What is it, Yuki?" I ask quickly.

To my utter disbelief, Yuki slowly but surely walks closer to me. He plops himself down next to me, shaking. I'm astounded. I don't know what to say. This must be bad, if he's sitting down next to me. Did I do something wrong? Oh, I hope not! I don't want Yuki to be angry! Wait…Yuki doesn't seem angry. He looks…sad…? So, he wants to break up with me? NO! Or…is he dying? Does he want me to leave for "awhile while I get some space"? In my mind, awhile without Yuki, even though it hurts, means forever. It's strange, but true in every aspect.

"Look Shuichi…," he whispers hoarsely. Did he catch a cold? Oh no! Yuki can't get sick! EEP! Wait, he doesn't look sick, just…nervous? Maybe he wants to break up with me, but he'll regret it? Damn, this sucks… Why me? Ugh… Yuki gulps.

He's looking directly at me, and I notice something… His eyes… They look different. Sure, they're the same color, size and shape, but there's something else… It seems like…he's actually seeing ME! Could it be possible? Is he noticing that I'm here this time? YES! I know it, I just know it! His eyes tell me everything! Oh, I can't believe it! I smile warmly at him, holding in all my joy for the moment. I can dance and sing at the top of my lungs at Hiro's tomorrow.

Yuki's eyes widen. He's admiring me…? I feel like I've died and gone to heaven… "I…I…l-l-lo…," he begins to say. Wait, is he trying to say…that he loves me? I understand now! I understand! Yuki DOES love me! He DOES see me now! He really does! Yuki looks upset though. Ah, I get it.

He can't say it. I realize something. I don't need him to say anything. I know now, and that's all I need. I nod, and examine him thoroughly. I wrap my arms around my blond lover and close my eyes. Yuki even hugs me back. Everything is so perfect…

Maybe I can't be his first love. Maybe I can't be that handsome brunet with light brown eyes that he used to adore. But he loves me and wants me here, so I'll stay, and love him even more, if that's possible. For him.

I love you, Yuki…

* * *

A/N: Well, how'd you like the conclusion? Pretty cool, eh? Well, I hope it was Okay. PLEASE READ AND REVIEW! Thanks in advance! All reviewers will be given eternal thanks for their precious, invaluable review! -hugs- Thanks for reading! 


End file.
